Coming Back to Me

By Stephanie Johnson

It feels natural to attempt to define who we are in a paragraph, it has become a necessity in our society to be able to express who you are at just a glance. 
But do not let this deceive you, for you are so much more than that. 
The labels will come and go, they will shift and evolve. 
Just as your skin and hair does shed and grow 
the concepts you use to hold and define yourself too, are fleeting. 
So don’t be afraid to let them go. 
Learn to be okay with letting go of where you have been, or who you have been because today is a new day, the beginning of a new story. 
 
I get anxious in new relationships and I have had an awkward habit of verbal vomiting my entire backstory in one sitting.
Particularly some of the darkest and most uncomfortable portions of it.
While I can make the argument for how vulnerability begets vulnerability that would really be me trying to cover up the brokenness and insecurity inside, the fears that I am not lovable and not worthy of friendship. 
 
When an individual experiences shame there is a spectrum of reactions, on one side they hide from themselves and others and at the other end they become exhibitionists. 
In my case my Exhibit was filled with the stories in which I wish I had made different choices, the ones that bore my shame. 
I have held myself as a hostage to the stories of my past, branded a Scarlet Letter on my chest, even if I was the only one who noticed. 
I continually recited and relived them letting them fester and grow. Holding them like sacred Jewels, even though each time they left me scarred.
 
I was uncomfortable with the idea of simply being, did not believe that I was enough.
For how could others want me when I found myself hard to love. 
And that’s what it came down to, when I found myself away from the crowd in the stillness I found her quiet without a sound. 
I was filled with tears and i wept and wept cause when I found myself within, I realized what a bitch I had been. 
 
I had continually reminded her all the shameful things We’d done.
I had screamed at her how she was such a whore. 
“Stupid girl” I said “You should have known better.”
“Its your fault you Know” … It’s not, it’s not , it’s not
Her voice faded, 
I moved on. 
 
On the outside I had learned how to forgive, went through deep work to heal. 
Worked through my pain with others but I had left out the one who feels.
 I refused to speak to her who was within. I shut her out and closed her off
I became stoic in defense surrounded her with high walls and a lock
And All along she stayed with me 
working on her song. 
Her song of freedom and of truth, the song that said I was enough
it stated I belonged.
She proclaimed I am worth it, blameless and beautiful
She sang of my triumph and resilience 
She sang that I am loved. 
And when I finally listened this is what I learned.
 
I am not my past
Not the summation of the stories I have told
I am so much more than that, I even break the mold
I am growing and evolving. 
Each morning I awake to a better version of myself. 
With intention I am cultivating a new holistic health. 
 
When I embody the person who made choices 10 years ago
I hardly recognize her voice, her thought, even her energetic flow. 
She did the best she could with what she had, but today I have so much more than that. 
I am wiser and shine brighter
I have learned from my mistakes, 
I have loved well and been hurt, I learned to be present and not escape. 
 
Let yourself experience you with new eyes. 
The woman you see might bring you a surprise
Cause she isn’t who she was, shes her 2.0 
ready now to break free from what has stifled her growth
 
You are limitless and free, 
filled with possibility 
Yesterdays pain no longer serves you
its time to heal and let it go
 
Forgive yourself and love her well, she has done all she knew how to do.
But today you know better, be loving most of all to you.

More About Stephanie

Stephanie Johnson is a committed yogi and mother of three. On a journey far beyond where she has been and eager to share her journey. She is consistently learning and engaging with concepts of higher consciousness development, spiritual growth, and personal development. She loves writing stories, songs and poetry and values holistic health and wellness. ~Doing it all One Breath at a Time 

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